Bee in My Bonnet: a PSA

      I have a bad temper.
      At home I have two drawers in the dresser of the spare room that my grandmother, whom I live with, said I am free to use.  Recently we've had visitors who used the spare room.  This morning, I opened the top drawer looking for a sweater and the drawer was empty.  After a couple minutes search, I finally found my things in the bottom of the spare room closet crammed underneath some pillows.  I was furious.  
     Why?  Because, one, someone touched my stuff.  This is a neurotic flaw of mine, a security issue.  I know I have this flaw and am able to push aside any "trespass."  Number one just sits packed down in my cup of stress like wet sand.  What really set me off looking at that empty drawer, having to search for my belongings, and then finding them stuck in a closet is number two:  you go for a visit to where someone resides, move that resident's things, and don't have the courtesy to return what you moved at your place of visitation back where you found it? 
     I was irate for fifteen minutes or so, but no one calms me down like the Holy Spirit for if most anyone else tries, it is like adding fuel on the fire.  After reveling in anger, I was calm enough to hear, "Be slow to anger," something which, believe it or not, I've been trying to work on.  Then I focused on God and who he is by listening to a song ("My Savior's Love Endures" by J.J. Heller).  And the anger passed
     This small experience brought to mind a, what I'm calling, philosophy that I've heard a few times lately:  What you think, your thoughts, affect how you feel -- change your thoughts, change your feelings.  The first time I heard this idea, I disagreed with it (which translated means I thought it crap, because I can be narrow-minded).  The first time I heard this philosophy explained, I was offended; well, not so much offended as hurt and a small bit shamed.  I've said before, guilt says, "You've done something wrong," while shame says, "There is something wrong with you."  The further into the explanation of the philosophy -- how we shouldn't be Eeyores because that "Thanks for noticing me" kind of thinking is what makes us depressed -- the more I felt the orator was speaking insensitively, and the originator of the philosophy or rather the philosophy itself is insensitive.
     My Thursday night Bible study group said the philosophy isn't saying, "Think positive thoughts, and life will be hunky-dory," and I agree (somewhat) with them that the intention behind the philosophy is not positive thinking leads to positive feelings -- or is it?
     The first time I heard the philosophy, I disagreed with it because according to this idea that our thinking has direct affect on our feelings, means I essentially don't have a chance, nor does anyone living with a chemical balance that causes depression, however mild.  Living with depression, you could be feeling fine when BAM you feel emotional pain or anger or sadness or anguish -- and for absolutely no good reason.  As blogger Allie Brosh wrote about feeling sad for no reason: "Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self-pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness" (Hyperbole and a Half).  Okay, so according to this philosophy that our thoughts control our feelings, I need to find the lie and replace it with the truth; don't be an Eeyore; take captive my thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5).  But what happens when there is no lie?
     I'll tell you a lie:  because I feel sad or horrible sometimes, I'm clearly not controlling my thoughts.  What a loser.
     To be fair, that was not the intention of the speaker.  If only the speaker had padded the words with some disclaimer like "I'm not talking about those who have a genuine problem..." whatever.  I've heard this done before, and I appreciate it.  But as the speaker did not, the words fell on a porcupine's back.
     The next time I heard this philosophy, it was in the context of emotions.  I'm sure the intention this time (as last) was: find the lie > replace it with the truth > have a little peace in your life.  But it wasn't explained that way.
     This morning's "incident" might be an example of that philosophy in a normal situation.  I thought some people had acted discourteous to me, which led to me feeling livid.  I turned my thoughts to God, and I didn't feel (so) angry anymore.
     I suppose then this whole thing can be called a PSA: when you're spouting a philosophy related to feelings, remember those whose feelings cannot be controlled outside of normalcy.  (I cringe slightly writing this because when I read similar "rants" I say "Lighten up people."  So, even if you're thinking or saying that, I'm glad you've read this post through and can say it with authority and not dismissively as one who read only one or two lines of the post.)  
     
     This entire post could be chalked up to courteous behavior.  My list of courteous behaviors is quite long (if you haven't guessed) and even I can't live up to my standards.  Go ahead, you can call it self-righteousness if you want, but any discourteous behavior I call someone out on, I call myself out on too.  And when I can't see that I'm being a jerk, for the love of all that is good and holy, please be me for me -- in a courteous fashion.

Money - The Giver of All Good Things?

Today at church, the sermon was about money.  And I’ve no idea why I was hearing it, but here it goes.

I grew up with money being an issue.  And I’ve had times in the past where I served this god that I thought was the provider of all good things.  I worried and worried over whether there was enough of this god for me.

Then I heard the still, small voice through the chaotic darkness in which I’d found myself:  Choose today whom you will serve (Joshua 24:15).

Jesus said, “You cannot serve both God and Money” (Matthew 6:24).

Hindsight is a bit of a cruel mistress allowing us to both suffer in our past stupidity asking “Why” and learn from that stupidity – to see things more clearly outside of the situation we were in.

As I served the god named Money that I thought was the giver of all good things, Lord God, Yahweh, was saying, “I taught you how to pray: ‘Give us this day our daily bread’” (Luke 11:3).

God will not provide all of us with “one hundred billlliondollars!,” but he will provide all of us what we need for this day.  What will he do about tomorrow?  Tomorrow, he will provide all of us what we need for that day.  God doesn’t always change our situation, but if we try and commune with him (“Hey, God, it’s me again…”), he will help us change our perspective.  “I don’t know where it’s going to come from, Father, but I trust you to provide it.”

This god called Money will not solve all our problems.  Point of fact, God in Heaven isn’t going to solve all our problems, but he is there with us always.  Money is not so gracious.

Money itself isn’t really the problem either.  It is our reaction to it.  First, there's serving it, as I did, treating it as the giver of all good things.  And it was and is a shaming god.  Shame says “There is something wrong with you.”  Shame is wrong.  God the Creator is not a shaming god.  He is a God of conviction who does prod with guilt; guilt says, “You’re doing something wrong.”  Guilt attacks our actions; shame attacks our identity, our being.

Serving money is one reaction to it.  Loving it is another – this reaction I flirt with, but recognize it more quickly and am able to fight it off.  1 Timothy 6:10 says, “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.  Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”  As Ecclesiastes 5:10 states, loving money means you never have enough.  Just a little bit more.  The “one hundred billion dollars!” you received in ransom for the entire planet wouldn’t be enough.  Just a little bit more.  The paycheck you receive, you’re not satisfied with it – why can’t I make just a little bit more?  (This is the tease that gets whispered in my ear, and I have to put up my dukes.)  Just a little bit more.

What is between me and my God, as I’ve written before, is a relationship.  Religion is more a way to express one’s love.

When you fall in love with a person, you can’t get enough of that person – you want to spend every last second with that person, can’t wait to hear what that person is going to say next.  You can’t get enough.  Just a little bit more.

Just as one can be in love with a person, one can be in love with a god.  Sometimes it’s called being filled with “spiritual fervor.”

“Lord Jesus, I can’t get enough of you; I want to read more, I want to see more, I want more of you.  Just a little bit more.”  (It’s not always like this in a relationship.  Being “in love” is a feeling, and feelings cannot be controlled, only acted upon.  Love itself is an act and intentional.  But I digress.)

Money, money money “by the pound!”  -- Heck yeah.  Just worked Pete’s Dragon into this.  Excellent.  

Sorry.

“Money, Money, Money.  I love the way you speak getting me all the things (I think) I want.  All the things my heart desires.  I can’t get enough of you.  I love you.  Just a little bit more.”

In my previous digression (right before the Pete’s Dragon interruption), I said being in love is a feeling which can’t be controlled, only acted upon.  If you’re mad or hurt by someone, you can’t help feeling that way; you control how you act upon that feeling – punching the perpetrator in the face or walking away for example.

God may not change our situation, but he will help us change our perspective.  He rarely gives me more money, but he always gives me what I need for this day.

Money doesn’t make a very good god.  Why?  Because it is a thing, a possession, and, as I’ve recently come to terms with in my life (again), possessions are something that are owned.  We need to own our possessions, not allow our possessions to own us.  We are the owners of our money.  Pastor Phil’s really good line in today’s sermon: “Money serves us as we serve God.”

I am in possession of the money God has given me.  God calls me to be an indian giver, not for his sake, but for my own.  Giving back some of that money to God is an act of faith – an exercise of faith on my part, meant to strengthen my faith and my character.  When I give back to God – the church term is “tithe” – I’m saying, “God, I’m grateful for what you’ve given me.  I trust that you are generous and will continue to provide me with what I need for today.”  (This – tithing – is an example of religion being an expression of love.)  So, since I’ve been earning a paycheck, I’ve been giving a little back to God – I follow the 10% guideline (not rule) in the Old Testament – and I’ve never been destitute.  In fact, I’ve often been blessed to be able to give to others or to buy extras for myself, like whatever electronic my flesh desires at the moment.

And God, true to his word (Matthew 28:20b), has always been with me, even into the chaotic darkness I’d led myself into by choosing to allow money to control me.  Just the thought of that darkness is frightening, so I have to believe he is with me.  Always.  And another song from Pete’s Dragon because it’s not easy to find Someone like that.

Here is a link to Pastor Phil's sermon on March 30, 2014 "A Godly Perspective on Money": http://vimeo.com/90583536

(Other sermons may be found at http://pathways.cc/video-sermons-online)

Give yourself permission

So, I was giving some advice to a friend who said she has a story idea that she's been thinking about but doesn't feel she's a good enough writer to put it to paper.  The best advice I've read in the past year is give yourself permission to write badly.  I've been following this advice, I told my friend, for the last several months, and it has really helped.  

Then I told my friend the following:  First drafts are NEVER masterpieces.  They're a start, that's all.  First drafts are opening the door, stepping outside and seeing where your feet take you.

And that sounded so brilliant, I thought I would share it with everyone.  (Hahahahaha, and yes, I realize I sound like an arrogant sot.)

One thing leads to another

     I  thought my passport was lost to the abyss that is my storage unit in Roanoke.  I couldn't find it.  This saddened me because it's slightly less of a hassle to renew a passport than applying for a new one.  It saddened me mostly because it's my passport - I made it to the UK.  Sentimental reasons, you know.
     This week I read a Proverbs 31 devotion (http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/why-shopping-will-never-satisfy/) that I related to.  The author writes about how her "treasures" had become burdens and how she had somehow let her stuff define her.
     For several weeks now I've been thinking of dumping some things, but the idea remained a thought.  Then I read this devotion and felt I should just do it.  As God would have it, some people I knew in college are adopting (read their story here: http://weleftourheartsindrc.blogspot.com/) and to help raise funds are holding a garage sale; they're asking for donated items.
     So Friday night before I went to bed, I asked God for the motivation and help to purge some things -- a very hard thing for me to do of my own volition. 
     I did pretty well.  I boxed up (about two boxes) some movies I don't really want, including some boxed TV sets I'll probably never watch again (The OC and Felicity).  I'm getting rid of some books I've read that I feel no need to keep.  I didn't bother going through the clothes in my closet this time or some of the older boxes in the garage -- gave myself a break there.
     I found a few things I'd been looking for too, things I knew were somewhere in the bottom of the those boxes in the garage that I couldn't bring myself to dig through -- my movie ticket "scrapbook" and my study abroad photo album.  Finally found my copy of Lady in Waiting -- one of the gals in my Bible study has been waiting for someone to bring her a copy.  And I pulled out Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows book to read.  Also found the Part One movie version of this, which I thought was lost.  Pulled out my old Britain and Ireland travel guide to look through as I'm planning a trip to London next late spring/early summer (anybody care to join me, seriously speaking?).
     I felt pretty good about the amount of stuff in the give-away pile.  Normally, as I told my Bible study gals, I attempt to purge and am very discouraged by the pitiful pile of "get rid" items.  But I did well this time by God's grace.  And it didn't take all day like usual either.  Well, it kind of did, but only because I stopped for breaks -- you know to eat lunch and all.  I watched This is 40, which really made me laugh despite the abundant overuse of the F-word.  It also made me appreciate my dad more.  Haha.
     So, overall, a good purge day.  I'm exhausted though.  Overslept this morning for 9 AM church service; thought, I'll go to 10:45 service.  Finally dragged myself out of bed into the shower.  When I got out the clock said 10:47; so I guess going to church today is a bust.  I'll do church at home today (i.e. find an online sermon).  I decided I'd go to Starbucks for an hour of writing, which has become part of my Sunday routine.
     As I was getting ready to go out, I picked up my old Britain and Ireland travel guide to take a look at the London neighborhood I want to explore next year, and there among the pages -- my passport.

Out of Love

I found myself at a loss last night.  One of my small group ladies asked what kind of dessert I might like at our dinner tonight; I said "eclair cake."  All three of the ladies standing there had no clue what I was talking about.  I had to describe what eclair cake is.  I was a bit flabbergasted as I'd never had to describe eclair cake before.  All my brain could remember as a description was creamy, chocolately goodness; a little taste of heaven?  I don't know!  What the heck is eclair cake made of?  I don't know!  I've never had to make it, I just devour it!  Ah!  This was all playing frantically through my head (hence the use of italics), while on the outside all that came out was, "Um, well..."

Coherency finally came: graham crackers, pudding-like middle, and a hard chocolate topping (actually describing the hard chocolate topping was interesting too).  One of the ladies did say it sounded familiar, but maybe she knew it by a different name (e.g. sticky buns and monkey bread are the same thing where I'm from).

Here is a link to an easy recipe with the chocolate topping as I think of it.  For all of the other deprived people out there:  http://www.thekitchenismyplayground.com/2012/03/no-bake-chocolate-eclair-dessert.html

You're welcome.

Love, Stephanie

Alive

     Sometimes it bothers me that the greatest symbol of Christianity is a cross, be it an empty cross or a crucifixion.  It sometimes bothers me that our love for God and devotion to him is solely because Jesus died for our sins when that's not even the greatest part of the story.
     In the show Vikings, the vikings invade northern England for the first time and come upon a monastery; they see the image of a crucifixion and say "Their god is dead," when that is not the case.
     The greatest part of the story is not that Jesus God died for our sins but that he is alive!  Sometimes I see the image of Jesus with a crown of thorns and want to rip that crown off his head and proclaim "That is not the end of the story!  There is life!" *
     I love that G.K. Chesterton quote: Fairy tales don't tell children dragons exist; children already know this.  Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be defeated.  And in Christianity (the only fairy tale/myth that actually happened) Jesus God defeated the dragon that is Death.  He is alive and the battle is won, victory is his.**
     The greatest part of the story is God is alive, the dragon has been defeated.  And all of our struggles, all of our trials, the big things and little things -- all of our dragons and deaths -- can be defeated, and we will live.  Because of God.
     I've often lamented the fact that the image of a cross -- empty or not -- is a lot easier to replicate than the image of an empty tomb.


*Anyone else hearing a conversation between two Rivendell elves in your head right now?
**This line from John Dunne's poem "Death be not Proud" comes to my mind here: "And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die." 

Relationship vs Religion

     If it helps you to understand by thinking me religious, go ahead, but I don't see myself as very religious.
     If I were so religious, a service of church would never be missed, I'd read from the Bible everyday out loud, I'd pray everyday - long, elaborate prayers that every believer knows.  There is a lot of self-discipline that goes along with practicing religion.
     But what is between me and my God isn't a religion, it's a relationship.  I suppose there are certain aspects of religion in every relationship - a kiss hello and goodbye, an intoned "I love you", a smile after an absence, listening when the other is speaking - but it is still a relationship above all.  With my God it is relationship I am practicing more than religion.

     The clarity of this thought came to me one morning, but as I started to write it down, the words started breaking up and floating away like mist.  Sort of lost track of the thought, I guess.  Since this became an incomplete thought (and an incomplete post), I'll instead leave you with a link to a devotion that touches this topic (it doesn't speak on this topic, only mentions it).

http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/the-most-searched-for-answer-2/