Saturday, February 9, 2013

Louie (Part 2)

Once the People had gone back inside the house, Louie climbed out of his web and set on the back of the seat wondering how he could move his home.  Then it came to him.  He was in a car.  If he could just get the car to wake up, he could drive it away to a new place.  Louie trekked along the back of the seat, along the door and across the dash until he came to the blue key.

Taking a big breath, Louie turned the key.  Nothing happened.  He tried again. “Please,” Louie said, but still the car sat motionless.  Louie looked around in desperation, but there were no answers.  Then Louie had an idea.  He thought about what a real car sounds like.  He knows that sound well because there is a road that runs behind the house where the People live.

Maybe…, he thought.  Once more, Louie turned the blue key, but this time he said the right magic word: “Vroom!  Vroom!”

Suddenly the little red car with yellow hood came to life!

In disbelief Louie blinked his eyes.  “Impossible,” he whispered.  At this the little red car once again sat lifeless.  The engine no longer purred, nor even sputtered.  The gentle vibrations ceased.  Nothing.  Just a plastic little red car.  “What?”  Louie said in dismay.  “No.”

In determination, Louie once more turned the blue key with his front two spindly legs.  “Vroom!” he exclaimed[SB1] .  Again the little red car with yellow hood sputtered to life and settled into a gentle purr.  It did not go back to sleep this time.

Louie laid hold of the steering wheel.  Because of the enormity of the steering wheel in comparison to Louie, it took four of the spider’s legs to maneuver[SB2]  it.[SB3]   “Vroom, vroom,” he said once more, and the little red car started to move.  Not really knowing where he was going to relocate, Louie guided the car slowly forward.  This isn’t that hard thought Louie, so he began driving faster.  This is lovely he smiled.  Until dead ahead he caught sight of a support column.  “Oh dear!” cried Louie.  “What do I do?”  Inches away, Louie swerved the car to the right.  The back corner of the little red car nicked the pole, but Louie let out a sigh having averted total disaster.[SB4] 

But not for long.  Louie realized he was quickly heading for the creek that lay at the very back of the yard.

“Oh no,” Louie cried.  Once again he swerved the steering wheel, this time to the left.  But there was a tree!  He violently turned the wheel to the right and to the left again.  Then Louie brought the car to a stop.

 [SB1]Or should I just leave it “he said” since there is already an exclamation point?
 [SB2]Age appropriate word?
 [SB3]Are the modifiers placed correctly?
 [SB4]First, is this sentence to long for kids?  Second, is “averted” age-appropriate?

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